


Beyond The Stadium Wall

by OurDeal



Category: National Football League RPF
Genre: Depression, Drinking, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, TW: Mentions of Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-20 22:11:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21064007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OurDeal/pseuds/OurDeal
Summary: Danny and Julian lie next to each other on one of their rare days off that they can be together and try to imagine what life would be like if they hadn’t met (Inspired by ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out’, ‘Big Mouth Strikes Again’, ‘This Charming Man’ all by The Smiths and ‘Running Up That Hill’ and ‘Cloudbursting’ by Kate Bush)Warnings: Themes of depression, themes of suicidal thoughts, themes of self-harm*No footballs were harmed in the making of this fic^^PURE FANFICTION





	Beyond The Stadium Wall

They lie next to each other, the silence a heavy blanket on the words that they dare not speak. It’s almost as if they were to verbalize all of their pain, that it would hang out in the air, and as if by some magic that word would appear in front them. Danny knows this—and even then, he knows that if he doesn’t say what he wants to say, then the words would just take up more space in his brain. Julian’s hand feels warm and heavy in his, and as Danny presses his ear to the pillow under his head, he can’t help but look into Julian’s eyes. Those eyes and the ocean of feelings they hold could leave anyone speechless. In another life, Danny would be holding his breath, waiting for the right moment to let it go, but now, he has had time to think—about who he is now, where he wants their relationship to go, what his role is in Julian’s life, and if he could keep going.

“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Julian’s fingers card through Danny’s hair as he lies there deep in thought. He doesn’t have the words to acknowledge everything he feels and all that he wants. He wishes that he wasn’t so complicated to himself—always doubting who he is and where his place in the world would be. There are so many things that he wants to say—to talk about the deep sadness he carries with him or the scars of a life before Julian. He often wonders what Jules would say if he let it out into the air. His best kept secrets for Julian to judge and scorn as he pleases. He hates everything that holds him back, and even more at the fact that he can’t be himself with the one he loves.

“Just a lot of things. I—I guess it’s just about everything I’ve gone through before you, and everything that I feel like I can’t say but I want to.” Danny can feel tears leaving his eyes but does nothing to stop them. It feels cathartic to finally let some things go, almost as if a cleansing wave of the ocean has swept away his problems. He wants so badly to be everything that Julian would ever need, but the heavy burden of his sadness holds him back. He feels Julian squeeze the hand he’s holding, and with a deep sigh, he readies himself to expel his demons.

“There’s just a lot of things on my mind, Julian. I’ve been trying to think of ways to tell you, but I guess in the end, it always comes down to me just letting it out. The demons that haunt me in my sleep, and that hide in the darkest parts of my mind. I want to just hide all of the time, but I keep putting on this front that everything’s okay when it’s not. Julian, my depression has gotten a bit harder to deal with. I am finding it hard to make myself get out of my bed in the mornings—especially when you’re not there. I want to open my eyes to see you lying right next to me, but that’s damn near impossible. Then there’s me before you that existed. The me that used to hurt myself purposefully so that I could feel something other than the overwhelming sadness that presses down on my chest. It feels like an elephant sits on my chest every morning and there’s nothing that I can do about it, Jules. I want to be there with you so badly and to be able to celebrate with you but I know that we are on different teams now. I’m still bitter about how I left, and to be honest, I felt as if I didn’t get to show how much I love you.” Danny can feel the pillowcase below his ear soaking his tears. Julian is crying too, but he’s too tired to wipe the tears of his face. Feeling the weight of the world pressing down on him, Danny can barely move. They just cry together, trying to make sense of everything that has happened to them in the last couple of years. They wanted stability and to make a home together, but their careers pulled them apart before they could realize that dream.

“I want so badly to wake up next to you every morning, but I can’t, and that sucks. It hurts me to the core knowing that you feel the same way and that there’s nothing that I can do about it. I wish I could change it, at least, but we’re powerless to change anything in the industry for ourselves. The game takes victims—and sometimes, those victims are relationships. I know that it’s not fair, and to see how far you’ve come, this hurts me. I don’t want you to slide back to where you were when we first started our relationship—and don’t think I didn’t see those fresh wounds on your ribs, Danny. I knew that there was a chance for a backslide, but I didn’t want to believe it. I found the empty bottles too.” Julian’s holding Danny’s face between his hands, and Danny just wants to curl up into a tight ball and wish everything away. He didn’t think that Julian would notice—it’s not as if they see each other every day, so he thought that it would be easier to hide things—yet Julian is too perceptive for his own good. In a way, Danny’s relieved that Julian figured it out. He’s spared from having to admit to his sins again, and for that, Danny’s grateful. It spares him the pain of having to relive his pain from his depression that he fights all the time.

“I’m so sorry, Julian. I know I made a promise to you, but I just can’t keep doing this on my own. I need you by me, but I know that’s impossible with our schedules. It’s only made worse by the fact that I’m in the middle of the country, and you’re on the east coast. We have different time zones, and we can barely talk to each other as it is, and it sucks. I hate it. I really, really hate it. I tried so hard to have some semblance of normalcy, but it just wasn’t happening without you in the same place as me. I miss your laugh, and I miss the way you smile when you wake up in the mornings and how your eyes shine with so much hope in them. I just hate looking over to where you’re supposed to be in the mornings and just seeing an empty spot instead.” Pressing their foreheads together, Danny can’t help but press his lips to Julian’s. He’s trying to transfer everything he feels for Julian into that kiss, but he knows it’s not enough. It would never be enough—not until they can be together again for more than just a couple of days. It’s a weight that they can’t get rid of. They can feel the strain on their relationship, and it’s not like they don’t want to be together, it’s more the fact that being separate is too much.

“I know it’s hard, Danny, and I know that us being separated is not easy. I don’t blame you for doing the best you can with your demons when I’m not here. I am just—so sorry that this has gotten you to regress to a place that you had to scratch and claw your way out of. I am just so sad that your old ways of coping are doing you a disservice. I’ve talked to some of your teammates, and they’ve told me that they have seen you hurting yourself but didn’t want to say anything. Danny, I love you so much that when you’re hurting, I’m right there with you. I only wanted the best for us, and this is not what it is. I know that you’re trying hard, but I hate being apart from you. I want you to just be okay.” Julian’s arms wrap around him, holding him tightly. He’s trying to take Danny’s pain away, even if it’s just for a moment. If there was any way to make it so that Danny doesn’t have to feel pain all the time, then Julian would take it. He hates it—seeing Danny hurting and being able to do next to nothing about it.

“I just want to be with you and leave everything behind. I just want to be with you and just retire. I want you and me to have a life together, and I wish we could just say it out loud—tell the world that I love you and that I am in a relationship with you and that we’re doing well together. I just want to be next to you and hold your hand at press conferences. I want to kiss you in public, but we can’t. I hate that we have to think about our teams first and then think about what it would mean for our careers.” Danny moves closer to Julian, wrapping his arms around the blond man. He lays his head against Julian’s chest, listening in on the steady heartbeat under his ear. That is where Danny has always wanted to be—with Julian, doing nothing but just being in each other’s company.


End file.
